the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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