I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
