Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
