I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
