Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Houston, we have a blender
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
