If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
