I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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