Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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