when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
