Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
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Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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