So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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