OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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