did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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