don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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