My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
