I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
