I need to stop coming to work sober
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
