just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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