i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
