So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
