The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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