I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
