He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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