I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
