Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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