hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
