About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
