he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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