tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
