btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
