Even water is tasting like jack daniels
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
