I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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