Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
