I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
