Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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