I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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