All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
