You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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