if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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