I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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