chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
