I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
