I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
