beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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