I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
