i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
