I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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