a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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