I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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