I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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