I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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