Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
