U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
