I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
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At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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