You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
