Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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