she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
