sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
