Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.