Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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