'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
